Intensity: "Be Vewy, Vewy Quiet. I'm Hunting D-Bags."

Matches that occurred on our 2011 XWA Intensity Special!
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Intensity: "Be Vewy, Vewy Quiet. I'm Hunting D-Bags."

Postby Legendary » Fri Jul 08, 2011 2:51 pm

Miles Davidson and Lucas Talbot huddle around a monitor, watching their boss Shawn Silva make his way to the ring for his first one on one encounter in the XWA. While typically they would be with their boss, in this particular instance Shawn requested that Miles and Lucas take the night off and let him show what he can do. Lucas and Miles mind their manners, respecting their boss's wishes and staying put in the back.

Meanwhile, Derrick Jedi: armed with a rifle, makes his way towards them with long, emphasized tip-toe strides. The due are too preoccupied to notice the near 300 pounder as he cartoonishly sneaks up on them. Standing at a safe enough distance, Jedi aims the weapon at Talbot's head.

[JEDI] I got you now, you wascaly wabbit!

Miles and Lucas turn and notice Jedi with a gun and immediately cower.

[TALBOT] What the hell!?

[MILES] He's got a gun!

Derrick stands down.

[JEDI] Whoa, whoa! Relax, it's an airsoft gun!

[MILES] Dude, that's assault with a deadly weapon!

[JEDI] Quit being such a bitch, it's a toy!

[MILES] We don't know that! That's brandishing a firearm! That's a felony!

[TALBOT] You're lucky we don't call the cops on your fat ass right now!

[JEDI] It's a fucking toy... you fucking pussies. Seriously? You guys are tough shit until someone busts out an airsoft rifle and then you turn into the biggest pussies I've seen outside of porn.

[MILES] Hey, what we did is perfectly legal. This, this isn't right. You should be arrested.

[JEDI] It's a toy, you bitch! Seriously, this would only kill you if you choked on one of the pebbles.

[TALBOT] So you're going to shoot us now!? I have a mind to go straight to Maxwell and have you fired!

[MILES] Yeah Derrick. You ask for a match, you don't threaten us with guns!

[JEDI] What are you going to say to Maxwell "Derrick pointed a SuperSoaker at me and I shit my pants." Seriously Talbot, grow a pair. As for you? Just shut the fuck up. You guys are the biggest pussies I've ever met, you and that fucking faggot Silva and the shemale fiesta. All of you Hierarchy assholes are like the most irritating motherfuckers I've ever met. You interfere in matches that have NOTHING TO DO with any of you and cost me the fucking Grand Prix but "Oh, he's trying to get back at us because we deserve it. Let's filet our wangs and act like a bunch of girls when he brings a toy to work!" Seriously Miles, I'm done with you. Talbot, I'm finished with you too. Both of you guys are total fags. In fact, this airsoft gun isn't even loaded.

Derrick pulls the trigger and fires off a plastic round right into Talbot's groin.

[TALBOT] AHHHH FUCK!!!

[JEDI] Uh oh...

[MILES] You shot him! You fucking shot him! I'm telling Maxwell, your ass is gone, Derrick! You're fired, motherfucker!

Derrick has to think and act quickly. He flips the gun around with the butt of it pointed out and holding it by the barrell runs up behind Miles and swings at him: knocking him out cold with one shot and destroying the evidence in the process. He mounts Miles and repeatedly slams his head into the cold concrete floor, keeping him unconscious. Derrick turns and sees Talbot, still favoring his tender bits as he watches on in horror.

[TALBOT] I'll keep quiet. I swear, I'll pretend none of this happened.

But Derrick is in too deep now. He charges in like a rhino and tackles Talbot to the floor. He continues to plea and beg for mercy as Derrick rains down repeated punches to the face. One after the other until Talbot's yells become whimpers and then complete silence. Derrick stands and looks at his blood covered fist. He looks at the two bodies laying cold and motionless on the floor.

[JEDI] You know, I was going to cut a promo if this had gone better.

Derrick looks past the camera's lens to Rob, the cameraman.

[JEDI] I'm talking to you, dude.

[ROB] Derrick, fourth wall.

[JEDI] There is no fourth wall. We're both going to jail if we don't do something.

[ROB] Why me? I can't interfere.

[JEDI] Actually, you can. The Good Samaritan Law that was put in effect after Princess Di's death. All those paparazzi took photos of her crash, not one called an ambulance. You are just as guilty as me, motherfucker.

[ROB] Is that a real thing?

[JEDI] Real enough for the last episodes of Seinfeld to hinge on it. Dude, we need to do something. I'll leave Maxwell an email requesting a one-on-one with Silva at Massacre to end this HIerarchy bullshit once and for all. But we need to do something about this right now. We have to stash the bodies. You grab the little one. NOW!

Rob puts down the camera and runs over to Miles who is laying on his belly while Derrick grabs Talbot. The camera, laying on the floor, catches Derrick and Rob dragging the two Hierarchy members away from this prank gone horribly, horribly array.
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