Royal Pains: Mongrel vs The Fan

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Royal Pains: Mongrel vs The Fan

Postby Johawn » Wed Nov 24, 2010 12:15 pm


LIVE! In a Command Performance for the Royal Family at the Evening News Arena in Manchester England!

5 Minute Job Interview!


Mongrel vs The Fan

Determined to be seen as his own man and not simply an extension of his Legendary father or his Tag Team brother, Mongrel finally sets out on his own path tonight! But who's his first opponent? Howabout the Internet Blogging Sensation known as TheFan as he makes his in-ring debut...though, since we can't find any record of his ever being in ANY professional wrestling competion before, we sure hope he knows what he's doing by agreeing to this match. If he somehow survives in the ring for five full minutes with Mongrel, The Fan will actually get an XWA contract!


Deadline for matches is Friday, November 26th at 11.59 Eastern Standard Time.
Voting will start at this time and conclude on Sunday, November 28th at 11.59 Eastern Standard Time.
[CST is one hour earlier. GMT is five hours later.]

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Re: Royal Pains: Mongrel vs The Fan

Postby thefan » Sat Nov 27, 2010 2:47 am

Oh my God! This is it fanfans! Can you feel it? Can you feel the tingle? Jesus I'm covered in goosebumps! Give me a moment fanfans... ok now... deep breath.. one...two and.... deep breath again... there. That's better.

Sorry if I'm a bit agitated... I know I must be a site... pacing back and forth, clenching and unclenching my fists... but well.... THIS IS IT... it's do or die... or try make five minutes go by whilst I make up my mind which!

Deep breath... and again... ok, well as you can see I'm standing here outside the curtain... about to step out into... well... let's take a quick peek shall we?


Ulp... lively lot these Brits aren't they. Think they'll like me? :?

Anyhow... not long to go now... oh listen... here's Hana! Holy crap I'm going to be announced by Hana Fricking Ramiriez! That's the same chick announces the R-r-r...oops, almost blasphemed there, damn you can tell I'm nervous.

Hana Ramirez: Ladies and Gentlemen... before I announce the first match of the evening, i have been asked to read a public announcement from the XS!

Oh my...probably the guys wishing me good luck or something. They're so thoughtful those two :)

Hana: To our fellow countrymen, and above all to her majesty Elizabeth II, we at the XS would like to publicly apologise for the atrocity you are about to witness. We did the best we could with what we had. 'Nuff said. Please don't hold it against us later tonight. Long live Sir Alex Fergusson and long live the Queen.

Damn, I'm so nervous I wasn't even paying attention to what they said. Nevermind I'll thank them afterwords anyway :)

Hana: And now... for our first match of the night

Oh, boy. Damn, I thought I was prepared for this. Shit! Ummm....

Hana: Introducing first...

Oh God. Let me bless myself... ummm... God give me the serenity to like ummm... be chill with stuff, the courage to make unchill stuff way more chill and the wisdom to know when I should like change stuff and when I should...umm.. you know chill the hell out! Christ!

Hana: Hailing from the pages of Facebook, Twitter and even the occasional updates on Livejournal and Myspace....

Should I be doing something fanfans? Like stretching my mussels or something? Dammit I can't stop shaking!

Hana: Standing at 6-1 and weighing in at 225lbs....

OK God, I change my prayer.... hold of on the serenity and the wisdom, heavy on the courage though mmmkay? Thanks big guy, name of the father and all that!

Sanction: A dream come through...of sorts for this long time fan of the XWA, though certainly most likely to become a nightmare.

Scorpion: How the hell can a Joe Schmoe fan get to wrestle in an international event like this, it's a slap in the face to every wrestler who ever trained to step between those ropes!

Hana: He is..... THE....

Fanfans... are you with me? Guys, I just wanna say...ask... plead... beg even... you guys have stuck with me through a lot of nonsense... unrealistic situations, over-the-top characters and a complete disregard for sentence structure and grammar.... and I am so grateful for that but just bear with me the next five minutes.... five...long...painful... antogonizing minutes... don't leave me alone fanfans... I can't do this alone...


Audience: ...

Crickets: Chirp chrip

OK guys... here we go time to step through the curtains and....

Audience: Who are ya? Who are ya?

Ulp... ok... microphone to my lips... best English accent and....

Me: Why hello there Jolly Old England, haw haw haw.... I say dear fellows, May one inquire... dost thou have any earthly idea where the dickens you are?

OK, this is going good... now to drop the English accent and rip into my best Axl Rose scream... this will work everyone gets pumped for this song...


pause for breath... damn, how does Axl do this?


and cue music....

Yeah, here we go fanf... wait a minute... THAT'S not Welcome to the Jungle! Dammit! Baz, Daz and Chaz those goddamn PRICKS! Who the hell let them near the audio engineering room! These British fans don't realise... they are cheering and wolf-whistling and cat-calling, but I've got to explain to them this is all a mistake, this isn't who I am!

I make my down the ramp and I go to the fans one by one trying to plead my case but to no avail...

Me: Hi, yes, thank you, thank you but you see, this is not my...

Audience: Get'em off ya! Go on... get'em off!

Well really! I've never beeno so insulted.... well obviously not counting the guys, the guvnah, my wife, kids, parole officer, neighbours etc... but really I would have expected better from British fans at a sporting event!

Scorpion: OK, I have to ask... why is this guy constantly talking to himself? Is he yet another mentally distrubed crazy guy, because that gimmick's really wearing thin here in the XWA!

Sanction: No you ass! He's narrating! Jeez all you modern day wrestlers take your narrator and match editor and all for granted... this guy is old-school he does it all himself!

Scorpion: Narrating? To who?

Sanction: Man you may have been in some whacked out storylines in your life but you sure spent your time firmly sheltered behind four walls!

I am so pissed right now, I can't believe the guys did this to me, I mean sure I can take a joke but this is my DEBUT! My EGGSWAH fricking DEBUT!

Scorpion: What the hell is an Eggswah?

Sanction: It's how some of the more devoted fans fondly pronounce XWA... Jeez, don't you ever use the internet?

Scorpion: What the hell is an intranet?

I am no angry now that as you can see, I've just ripped my shirt of in one quick fluent motion. Sure, buttons go flying everywhere, but I don't give a damn. This should show the crowd I mean business! What the? It's only exciting them even more. How can this be?

That's it, I ain't messing about no more. I have my shirt held aloft in one hand and I'm so annoyed I'm swinging it in a circular motion and I just let go. It lands in the clutches of a 90-year old granny who shrieks in...ewww... some kind of orgasm I think! Ugh!

Sanction: Wow, this fan is a hit with the fans, who'd have thought?

Man these British people are obscene. They are cheering for this atrocity! Oh I'm so angry now I take my belt and open it and tug... hmm... it's stuck... I tug again... one more time...

Crowd: Stop teasing, get'em off!

Damn this belt... wait a minute... if I grind my hips in a circular motion and pull with the movement... there we go, look at that, easy :scool:

So like, yeah I've flung my belt down and the noise is only getting worse. Look at them the animals. Look at that one up in the balcony, craning her neck to mentally undress me!


This is to much. I grab my pants and pull them apart, thank God Chaz gave me that fashion tip about replacing the stitched seems with velcro for such emergencies. Laugh all you want but it's really useful having such an English friend especially when it comes to fashion!

Well fanfans I've finally made it to the ring, I step up on the apron and bend to get in between the top two ropes. I want to get a feel for them for my match so I slide my body along the rope back and forth, but the crowd is deafening now it's really hard to concentrate. Damn, I think I might have given myself rope burn... of all the places I could have done that, it's gonna be hard to explaing that one to the doctor... again :sblink:

I get in the ring, twirl about, run up the turnbuckle but can't quiet keep my balance, pick myself up off my arse and just try to look as inconspicious as I can. Wish they'd stop that damn stripper music. Ah there we go at last. I grab a microphone and do what my moral conscience has been nagging me to do since I got here!

Sanction: Looks like we're in for some words of wisdom from the Eggswah's potentially newest member!

Scorpion: How can you say that with a strait face?

Me: Ladies and Gentlemen... my dearest fanfans... before we start, I feel it is my duty to warn you. The pretzels being sold between gates 8 and 9 and slightly underdone, I repeat the pretzels between gates 8 and 9 are slightly underdone!

There, at least if the Mongrel kills me now I can die with a clear conscience!

Hana makes a strange face. Perhaps she had one of those pretzels, poor girl!

Hana: Ummm...ok... and his opponentweighing in at a hell of a lot of pounds and hailing from the Doghouse of Hades...

Scorpion: What... this is a worse intro than the fan?

Sanction: Apparantly Hana couldn't find the Mongrel's profile... come to think of it neither can I?

Scorpion: Great. Poetic licence it is then! :sangry:

Hana: He is... the half-son of the legendary Mad Dog Vachon... he is... the... MONGRRRRRRRRRREEEEEELLLLLLL

Hahahahaha! Good old Chaz and Baz and Daz... I knew those guys wouldn't let me down, I never doubted them for a moment :ssurprise:

Ooooo, look at this manbeast coming down the ramp... rather rapidly down the ramp... damn he has no sense of humor he loks pissed... wow he's at the ring already wow, through the ropes and he's coming like a train and I think he's gonna...

Sanction: Holy crap the Mongrel almost decapitated the Fan with that clothesline! He's knocked at least a couple of teeth out with that hit!

Scorpion: Hah... like to see him try and narrate now!

Ugh! What the hell wash that. Did anyone get the lishenshe of that bush fanfansh?

Scorpion: Ugh! I had to go and tempt the fates didn't I!

Sanction: His pronunciation is definately effected but he's still narrating , that takes real dedication!

Ding! Ding!
Sanction: Everybody set your watches, the five minute interview starts now!

Referee: Ok, back Mongrel, get back, you attacked before the bell, get back let him get up, ya hear me.

Mongrel: Snarl!

Ah nishe one ref. Let me get my shenshes a minute. Hmmm, maybe I can washte a bit of time. Damn, Im all dishshy, I think I'm sheeing double!

Ugh... let me shake the cobwebsh out! OK the ref ish shtill shtanding between me and the beasht. Why am I shpeaking like thish? Aww damn are thoshe my teeth on the floor? The ref ish like all in my fashe ashking me shomething about wanting to continue. I hope all thish ish on the clock! And I hope the eggshawh contract comesh with dental inshuransce!

Sanction: This is gonna be a long five minutes for the fan!

Scorpion: And even longer for the viewers? I really don't like his style at all.

Sanction: Well that's very close-minded Scorps. I mean sure, he may be different but we here at the XWA celebrate diversity in styles... right potential voters? :swink:

Scorpion: Who the hell are you talking to? :shuh:

OK thish ish more like it. Clean break, and now we're shtaring into each othersh eyesh. Chrisht I think I'm gonna collapshe. No, I musht be shtrong... don't worry fanfansh, I got thish. I'll offer my hand in reshpect and...



Oooopsh! I guesh that didn't go to plan! I think I might not have looked ash shtrong ash I intended too. Oh-oh... what'sh that warm damp feeling in the front of my pantsh... oh no... that growl wash very intimidating. I've dribbled a bit. Oh well hopefully nobody notishesh.

Mongrel: Sniff... what be that fowl smell? And who dost thou speak with weak minded mortal? The Gods will never listen to a puny ratswart like thine art!

Me: Tell me more about theshe Godsh oh wishe one... keep talking for the neksht four minutesh and thirty eight shecondsh pleashe?

Darn, I thought flattery might work with shuch a huge ego. Shtill nevermind... now to put into action everthing the XshSsh taught me! OK, we're shircling each other, we're going in for a collar and elbow tie up, we're locking into each other and...

Jeshush Chrisht, what'sh my wrisht doing way up behind my back and between my shoulder bladesh? Thish musht be the mosht painful and complexsh wreshtling manouvre ever invented!

Sanction: Mongrel starting slow with a very basic hammerlock.

Oh my god what should I do now, damn thish pain ish dishorientating let me think, let me think, my other arm, what'sh my other arm doing, nothing it'sh jusht hanging there by my shide, ok let'sh shtart ushing it let me shwing, yesh I've hit shomething, hish head, ouch that was hard, that'sh hurt my elbow dammit!

Scorpion: Haha look at the fan trying to elbow his way free, pathetic. I wish he'd stop talk during it though it's getting really annoying. Who is he narrating to anyway?

Sanction: You don't want to know. There are powers out there that read our lives and judge us!

Scorpion: Oh boy you gonna try to convert me to some religion now? Anyway what is there to judge... whoever gets the pinfall wins, we don't need a judge.

Sanction: Yes but what if there was another version of this match taking place in a parrellel universe?

Scorpion: :shock: You're full of crap Sanction.

Sanction: Oh yeah... well strap yourself in buddy and come with me...


Scorpion: What's that noise

Sanction: Standard flashback/dreamsequence sound effects, nothing to worry about...welcome to an alternate world

Sanction: Oh no... Mongrel has completely annihilated the Fan in 30 seconds flat without letting him get a trace of offense in!

Scorpion: Haha...I admit that is kind of lame but at least it was short :)

Sanction: Oh no... Mongrel is on such an ego stroke now he is setting up 27 tables and carrying the Fan's limp carcass up a 240 foot ladder to throw him through!

Scorpion: Ummm... ok, that's very exaggerated and uncalled for, but entertaining nontheless! :sclosed:

Sanction: Oh no.... the impact of such over-the-top nonsense has to much for the Fan's untrained body to take... he's pulse is being take by the official...and he's been pronounced dead!

Scorpion: OK, this is getting kind of morbid but hey it's not like he had any great impact on the XWA anyway!

Sanction: Oh no... this just in... Rose has just announced that he feels responsible for the untimely death of the Fan and he cannot live with the guilt and has decided to retire from wrestling!

Scorpion: What? That's ridiculous! Oh well he was over-rated anyway.

Sanction: And also just in... with Rose's retirement the XWA cannot agree on a new leader... Angelus and Tempest have declared war on each other... the XWA faction has collapsed. Legion and Rated X have taken over the XWA between them!

Scorpion: Meh... XWA needs some fresh blood anyway!

Sanction: More news just in... Legion have sold there share of the XWA to North Korea whilst Rated X have sold theirs to Iran! The nations have declared war on each other and with the United States, and the people are so panicked they just elected Sarah Palin.....

Scorpion: NO! For the love of God no... this world is horrible... take me back to the other world where matches are less one-sided and fairytales can come true, PLEASE, I believe now, I believe

Sanction: OK, let's start wibbling out of here....


Scorpion: Wibble faster. For God's sake WIBBLE!
Sanction: Here we are folk's back in the real world and the Fan is still trying to struggle out of that wristlock!

Scorpion: Come on Fan! You can do it, you MUST do it for the sake of humanity!

Oh man... I wonder how much time hash pasht. Aw man I'm no doctor but I know wrishtsh are not ment to bend that way! Man I think I'm going to pash out...loshing conshioushnesh... eyesh closhing...falling forward...

Sanction: What an ingenious counter from the Fan! He stumpled forward into the corner and fell to the ground using the leverage of his tied up wrist to throw Mongrel to the outside!

Scorpion: I don't know how he thought of that he has more wits about him than I gave him credit for!

...huh? what happened... my wrisht, it'sh free. Oh good. There'sh the ref let me ashk him...

Me: Exshcushe me mishter referee how much time.

Referee: One minute and 27 seconds have passed, and if you spit blood on me again I'll disqualify you!

Me: Shorry :scry:

Oh man, i shuck at math what doesh that mean, are we there yet fanfansh? Where hash my opponent gone to...oh there he ish climbing into the ring... he musht have shtepped out for a break, I musht capitolishe on hish arroganshe!

Here he ish he looksh even agrier than when he came out to the chipmunk shong. OK let me run at him... timing ish everything... arm exshtended...

Damnit! Why am I fachedown on the floor with my arm bent up in the air with a half-breed dog lying hish full weight on me? HEEEEEELLLLLLPPPP!

Scorpion: Mongrel easily countering the Fan's clothesline into and armbar.

Sanction: Yeah he really did telegraph that manuever. I mean like literally he announced it. Even with his slurred speech Mongrel knew exactly waht was coming.

Scorpion: That's the point I was making earlier Sanction! To survive in the XWA you gotta have the right tools and that includes a disembodied impartial narrator that your opponent can't hear!

Oh boy I don't think I can lasht. I... I know, I know... I'm lifting my good arm off of the floor. I'm holding it up in the air about to shlam it on the canvash! I jusht can't hold on, I can't... wait a minute... ish that Bazsh outshide the ring? What ish he doing with no clothesh on? Ah of courshe a divershion. I can alwaysh count on my friendsh! :sblush:

Public Announcement: Ladies and gentlement there is a streaker in the arena. For the best view look towards the front rows, those in the back can look at the titantron, please do not try to lurch forward we will cover him so that everybody gets a look!

Sanction: I think that is the Fan's friend trying to cause a diversion.

Scorpion: Yeah but they didn't do their homework... the British are so used to streakers at sporting events that they demand refunds if there isn't one!

Sanction: So unfortunately for the Fan that plan not working, the referee and Mongrel not losing any focus here.

Oh well it wash worth a try. Thank you Bazsh. Hey look there'sh Dazsh... he'sh taking off hish... oh no... no Dazsh, I appreciate what you're doing but it'sh not worth....

Public Announcement: Attention everyone, attention.... there is a BLACK MAN streaking.... the emergency exits have been unlocked please file in an orderly fashion... I repeat do not panic, do not... HOLY CRAP did you see the size of his todger? Everybody panic... every man for himself!

Sanction: My God.... we're witnessing a riot here in the Manchester Evening News Arena, the crowd are paniced they are out of control, they are firing missiles at each other...

Scorpion: And now the bastards are beating everyone with clubs.

Sanction: Someone should call the police.

Scorpion: I was TALKING about the police!

Sanction: And now fire has broken out in the upper tiers... this is a disaster!

Scorpion: And in the ring Mongrel has finally broken the hold to see what the hell is going on!

Mongrel: Ugh... Mongrel confused... is this the message I was supposed to receive. Perhaps I am not supposed to punish this porcupine's penis but instead engage in a true act of war.... those vile scum wearing those funny helmets... a far more worthy challenge.

Sanction: And Mongrel has left the ring and charged at a group of ploice officers. They are calling for back-up. He's taking them all out. They are calling for even more-back-up... now they've got full riot gear. They are unleashing tear gas and rubber bullets... all aimed at Mongrel... he's still standing...

Scorpion: Oh my God...look at you're watch... 7:05 GMT! He's done it, the Fan has survived five minutes... he is now an XWA wrestler! It's official!

Ugh... I'm waking up...where... oh yeah... England... ugh... oh my God shomebody ish shtill trying to attack my arm... oh it'sh not the mongrel it'sh the referee... why ish he attacking me? Oh why doesh he hold my shore arm up in the air like that?

Hana: Ladies and Gentlemen.... with Mongrel being counted out... and um... subsequently arrested... the winner of this match by count-out... and newest EGGSWAH SUPASTAH.... the FAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNN

British fans: Eggswah Rules! Eggswah Rules! We are fanfans...clap-clap...clap=clap=clap!

I am confushed fanfansh.... did I missh shomething?
may it be a lesson to us all :(
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Re: Royal Pains: Mongrel vs The Fan

Postby MadDog » Sat Nov 27, 2010 5:52 am

Match to be posted - but posting a bit late...
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Re: Royal Pains: Mongrel vs The Fan

Postby Tempest » Sat Nov 27, 2010 2:53 pm

A bit late? :shuh:
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Re: Royal Pains: Mongrel vs The Fan

Postby Tempest » Sat Nov 27, 2010 4:30 pm

Winner, and the NEWEST member of the XWA: The Fan!

Absolutely brilliant match, my friend.
While I don't think that this style will always translate well, it works VERY well here and really entertained me. I think that you could be some serious competition for the folks around here.

Let me guess, you come from a roleplaying background, right?
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Re: Royal Pains: Mongrel vs The Fan

Postby Angelus » Sun Nov 28, 2010 9:51 pm

I'm not quite sure what I just read.

It was enjoyable but some of the typing in phonics was wearing a bit thin for me. Looking forward to seeing what you come up with next time you crazy cat.
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Re: Royal Pains: Mongrel vs The Fan

Postby Johawn » Sun Nov 28, 2010 10:15 pm

Somehow, someway, you managed to translate into a match pretty well. Honestly, that was friggin' hilarious and beautifully written, but I hope you're not going to try and win any titles soon, 'cos you might find yourself disappointed :stongue:

Aw, man...does this mean you're going to be in on Team Eggswah meetings now? :smellow:

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