JOEY MILES VS. JAYDEN CROSSE
Originally I was going to voice a complaint about how fast the match began, with no exposition, etc. However, by the end of the first paragraph I was cool with it. It was a nice and quick pure/chain wrestling opening for two characters with no prior history, so it made sense all things considered. VERY MINOR STYLISTIC CHOICE NITPICK: I would probably leave "Waist Lock" uncapitalized. With it basically just being a grapple/positioning-type thing I don't think it being capitalized really adds anything to the sentences other than drawing extra attention to it for no real reason. Like I said, minor nitpick.
The second paragraph was similarly lightning-paced with a nice fakeout spot by Miles. My chief bit of feedback that I could give at this point is that you should really add some stylistic/figurative language to the roleplay (ie: metaphors, similes, etc). The action thus far has been great and interesting from a spot-by-spot standpoint, but it reads largely like a summary and not a piece of fiction. Maybe you'll add more in the oncoming bits, though, so I'll revisit this point later.
I like the suplex sequence in paragraph three, but one thing I'd like to caution/recommend is starting most sentences with the character's name rather than their pronoun. Beginning a sentence with "he" can become difficult to follow, especially when the last name mentioned in the prior sentence isn't who you are referring to as "he" in the next (subject changing, etc). The commentary bit after this got a chuckle out of me.
"The Suplex Savant" is a sweet nickname. Kudos.
I enjoyed the trade-off of Slingshot DDT's in the next few small sections. No major criticisms on these. The "move thieves" comment by Steel was very tongue in cheek and I enjoyed it.
While it somewhat makes sense from a character perspective, at this point (at the paragraph ending with the dropkick) Crosse has gotten little-to-no actual offense in against Joey and it's almost reading like a squash match. With it being Crosse's first real match, and against someone as prestigious as Joey, maybe that's not such a super bad thing but I'd still probably recommend a little bit more back and forth.
Nevermind. An apron Poison Rana is more than enough to turn the tide. What a spot. I'm not sure if anyone would actually be alive after that, but I'm going to choose to believe they would just because of how hard I popped.
The next paragraph had two particular sentences that I found awkwardly worded; the very first one, and the "Seeing the opportunity..." one. I'm fairly positive the second one is just a missed word/typo, though.
A Dragon Suplex into the bottom turnbuckle sounds super dangerous. I'm not sure I can suspend my disbelief as much on this one as much as the Poison Rana spot. Maybe I'd just have to see it I guess.
Countering the busaiku knee like that was very clever and I enjoyed that spot a lot.
The finish was a nice callout to Joey's feud with Kaida, and was enjoyable enough despite not being anything too out of the norm. A safe finish, I'd say.
Going back to earlier, my chief bit of constructive criticism would be to incorporate more figurative language (ie: figures of speech; metaphors, similes, allegory, allusion, stylistic choices, in-roleplay references, etc) into your actual action sequences. While your spots were generally well thought out and entertaining, I thought that the post itself would have been more interesting to me as a reader if it wasn't being written as almost a synopsis of the match. You played with this a little bit by referencing the "Finisher of the Year" etc a few times, and more things in that same vein would go a long way in polishing your authorial voice. If you combined your excellent action and commentary with a more nuanced and stylistic prose you could be an unstoppable total package, I think.
This is a minor nitpick, but "Considering that Jayden Crosse is completely unfamiliar to Miles, he warily paces around the ring, looking for an opening to exploit. Crosse follows suit..." I'd have probably phrased the first sentence differently to make Miles the first person mentioned rather than the second. It made me think that Crosse was the subject of the sentence, so when "Crosse followed suit" I was slightly confused why he was following himself. It only took me a sec to figure it out, but just thought I'd point it out.
I liked how different your approach to your beginning was to Justin's. This had more of the pace I was expecting when reading his, with both men testing the waters with one another -- having been completely unfamiliar. I really liked how elegantly you described all the position/grappling transitions. I could picture each one very vividly and it's pretty obvious to me that you have a solid knowledge foundation on a lot of this stuff. I'm not sure I could have done better describing a lot of this chain wrestling!
I would have probably broken up the second sentence of paragraph two somehow, as it's a bit run-on-ish, but its not a huge deal. Lmao @ "The Arbalest" nickname. That's cheeky as hell and I love it.
" A decent effort, not really “shhhh” worthy, but it is one-upped by Joey’s attempt at a Chop." I got a kick out of the first part of the sentence, this is the kind of fourth-wall breaking that I enjoy to read in posts. The second half of the sentence kind of diluted it a bit. I feel like it would have flowed better as its own separate sentence for dramatic effect, personally. Something like: "A decent effort, not really “shhhh” worthy. However, Joey's rebuttal with a chop of his own is." etc. I will say, though, that I did enjoy the dueling chops section quite a bit.
In the next paragraph you used the phrase "Out of a sudden" which confused the daylights out of me. I assume you meant "All of a sudden", but just thought I'd point it out. Nothing so severe that it broke my immersion or anything, just eyebrow-furrowing lmao
Following the Pump Kick > Jawbreaker section, you said that Jayden "follows Joey down to the mat" for the pin attempt, but wouldn't Jayden already be there if he did a sit-out Jawbreaker? Just something to keep in mind for your future roleplays. A minor hiccup.
A sentence or two later you say "Jayden gets up and reaches for Joey’s wrists, grabbing his carcass towards the corner, prepping his head up against the bottom turnbuckle"; I think you meant "dragging his carcass" here, and if not you should have in my opinion.
In the sentence about Jayden using the five count, you use the word "count" or counting" three times in a very short time period. I'd try to find a substitution just to break up the monotony a little. Perhaps "using up the bulk of his allowance" or some such at the end.
The ending spot of this paragraph was brutal, and the commentary afterward gave me a good laugh. Props on that.
I enjoyed the midmatch banter by Crosse in the subsequent paragraph. His shit-eating heeldom comes across well through these bits. Again, in the Victory Roll section and the suplex spots following you showcased a high level of knowledge over the different positioning involved in various holds. One thing I admire about your writing style is the little phrases you use to really add to the immersion of the match; stuff like “ “180” applies a swift Double Underhook before he pops his hips...”. Just the little addition of him popping his hips really breathes a fresh air into the roleplay.
A little positioning hiccup in the next paragraph -- you mention the shoulder thrust “crushing Jayden’s solar plexus against the corner”. Unless you’re implying that Jayden’s chest (where the solar plexus is located) is going through his back and into the turnbuckle, then I think you got this a little mixed up. Nothing crazy. I did get some amusement out of “Joey spammed the shoulder thrust button”, though. I enjoyed the transition into the Abdominal Stretch and how you mention Joey consistently targeting the torso. It lends some continuity to the post that soome writers aren’t able to achieve on a consistent basis. The counter-to-STF spot at the end was pretty inventive and I’m about that life.
Like I mentioned in Justin’s roleplay, I find it hard to picture a Snap Dragon Suplex to the bottom turnbuckle that doesn’t end up skilling or seriously injuring someone. I don’t know, I just don’t like this move or find it to be particularly believable. I guess I would have to see a video of it being done or something. I did, however, enjoy the Meteora after and Jayden playing up his heelishness to try to cheat the win.
Nice use of more banter and the added continuity of one of Joey’s iconics feuds by utilizing the Kaida combo on him. I enjoyed the commentary of this segment as well, providing context to those who don’t necessarily know while also playing up Jayden’s disrespect.
I mentioned this in Justin’s grade as well, and it’s just a small stylistic suggestion I’d like to make; but I don’t think you need to capitalize positioning related text like “Side Press” when talking about going for a pinfall. In my opinion it draws more attention to this than is strictly necessary. Just a suggestion, though. Not an actual criticism.
I liked that you took a breather in the first half of the next paragraph to utilize some exposition to go over the emotions and psychology of the match and the levity of Crosse bringing Kaida into the equation. It added a lot of layers and depth to this match between foes who have no prior history. The attempted slingshot DDT into suplex combo was also a good spot. Nothing too flashy or ridiculous, but definitely something I could see happening in a Gargano match (that’s a good thing). Not everything has to be flashy to be effective and entertaining.
In my opinion, your final paragraph is basically everything a final paragraph should be. Joey Miles has reached his fever pitch, his breaking point after Jayden’s incessant taunting and snaps. Miles lets a brutal side out and beats Jayden senseless around ringside for a moment before almost immediately losing to a rollup thanks to his emotions getting the better of him. The ensuing battle of rollup attempts was entertaining and reminded me a lot of several Dolph Ziggler exchanges I’ve seen in the same vein. The finish spot itself was clever in that it protected Joey’s prestigious finisher while also playing into the heelish cowardice that Jayden seems to pride above all else. Well done.
Justin, as I mentioned above; I thought your spot choices were generally really good and fun, BUT your prose itself left something to be desired for me, personally. A lot of the post read somewhat summary-ish, “This guy does this move. Then they get up and do this” etc. My chief and paramount recommendation would be to add some figurative language to spice the post up a bit. These kinds of things (metaphors, similes, allegories, allusion, references, etc) add a lot of depth to the post for a reader, and can contribute a lot to the match psychology as well. I wouldn’t necessarily call it a bad thing, but your finish was pretty “standard”. This isn’t terrible or anything, and it even makes sense in this regard given the situation (facing a new character etc), but Abdel’s finish just happened to be better, in my opinion. (Last second edit before I post: I also didn’t run anybody’s post through a word count or anything, but I felt like Abdel’s was slightly longer and may have benefitted from it -- this being a title match and all. That being said, your pacing mostly made up for it, I just thought I’d mention it regardless)
Abdel, most of my complaints with your roleplay happened to just be weird inconsistencies and phrasing things. The majority of these were very small and inconsequential in my opinion, and I mostly just wanted to point them for constructive criticism/feedback purposes. I think you have a pretty firm mastery over describing the various positions involved in chain wrestling sequences, and made them enjoyable to read as well. You had a consistent continuity that flowed throughout your post, and a finish that was both inventive and made sense (and also protected your opponent’s character’s reputation, too). Make some small adjustments (maybe even just a little more proofreading, running through Grammarly or something) and this post would have been very near greatness level.
Your winner is ... JAYDEN CROSSE!
THE HIERARCHY VS. THE GUYS WITH MASKS
Immediately I loved the fans popping for Ace and T.K. standing face-to-face, thought it added more hype to the match. I was a fan of the quick start, with Caleb trying to hit a big Superkick early on but ending up eating shit and having to resort to basics, good character work. "Razor says as he rubs Caleb’s shoulders in a manner that isn’t strictly business-casual." Nothing really to complain about in the opening sequence, the descriptions of the transition into the Triangle Choke, and that of the Triangle Choke itself, were very well written. Side note: I love how Steel is being written like a villain in the Pokemon games lmao, complete with the bah! and everything. "The holder of the redacted 2WWF World Championship begins to pace ominously back and forth across The Hierarchy’s respective corner of the ring as he listens to the sound of the referee uttering the count-out numbers." I feel like that sentence could've been broken up, as it ran a bit too long for me. Also in the same vein, I feel like "The younger brother of the XWA Hall of Famer" could've been avoided for simpler phrasing, as by the end of that you feel like the sentence has run on too long when it's only at its start. Nothing major, just something that broke up how smooth the post was reading so far. I loved Giselle alerting his partner, and the Exploder into the turnbuckles was just brutal, very good stuff.
The two double team spots in the paragraph that followed were excellently written, and I appreciated the emphasis on describing Ace's pain, as it added a lot more to The Guys' offense. Ace misting Dragon to no effect got a good chuckle out of me, that was really clever. I had to reread the Tiger Driver spot a couple of times as I think you meant arms instead of legs there, but I liked how it built up to the Bard's Curse, that was really well executed.
I was looking for a big spot to take out the huddle, and you duly delivered with the big Tope Con Giro. I would've liked to see some of what it did to Giselle himself, though, like maybe him selling his torso or his back, as it's hard to imagine he'd come out of a move like that unscathed. I loved the little touch of Razor shielding his eyes lol. The back and forth between Giselle and Ace was really good, " a Sick Kick known as Balefire that nearly makes von Wolf do a whole back flip as he comes crashing down on his neck, his legs folded over his head in a motionless heap." was a great visual. I loved Caleb Superkicking Dragon for no reason lmao, I thought that was a great touch and it was out of the blue. "rotating back to Giselle who is one on knee begging for a Facial", very cheeky, enjoyed that line a lot. The blind tag was very well written, and I thought that it led to the Apotheosis, a move out of nowhere that fit the whole situation.
Closing remarks: A very solid showing by both of you. I thought your styles complimented each other really well, and it made for a really enjoyable read. My biggest praise for the match is the pacing and the flow, I thought the match flowed really smoothly, with only minor hiccups in a couple of instances. The character work was also fantastic, especially regarding Caleb's character, I thought his personality really shined throughout the match. My biggest complaint, and this is in comparison to Ruro's post, I thought Razor and T.K. were mere afterthoughts in this match, and I would've loved to see them being used more, as I felt it would've added to the structure of the match.
Verdict: This was a great showing from all three of you. I thought both matches were extremely well written, with Ruro's post having just a bit more poise about it, while the Hierarchy, I think, edged the spot description and their post read more smoothly. I thought Ruro had much better structure and played around the tag mechanics better, his match read more realistically and felt more like a real TV match, while I thought Ace and Caleb had the better character work and their overall action was better, from a spot-to-spot standpoint and how evened-out the offense was. Regarding the finish, I think the Hierarchy nailed theirs with the out-of-nowhere Apotheosis after the blind tag, while Ruro's unfortunately fell short in comparison, and I think that swings the verdict of the match towards The Hierarchy. Great match, and a job well done from all involved.
THE GUYS WITH MASKS:
Starting off I got a chuckle out of The Guys coming out with the 2WWF tag titles lol. I loved the start, with Ace having enough of Giselle's taunts and hitting him from behind, I thought that was very well-executed. One thing I'll say though, reading the first couple of paragraphs, I think you're using nicknames a bit too much for my liking, like "The Wicked One whips Giselle across the ring into his corner in the waiting arms of the Elite One. The Serpent in the Garden doesn’t wait even a moment to immediately run in the opposite direction to kick dragon right off the apron.". It's only a really slight complaint, doesn't really affect my verdict, but it made it a bit harder to follow the match as I had to take an extra second to link the nickname to who it belongs to. I do like Caleb and Ace making the most of Giselle's positioning on the ropes, though. Shows you have a good understanding of tag mechanics early on, especially with them making sure Dragon can't do anything about it, too.
There's also quite a few SPAG errors so far in the post, but again, not a major complaint, just something to keep an eye on in the future. I loved Caleb using Giselle's mask to slam him down, really liked the timing of it following the headlock as it added to Giselle's frustration. Something that didn't really make sense to me was the ref getting on Caleb's case for sending Giselle crashing into the post. You could've used something that was actually illegal like Caleb using the ropes again or Razor running distraction. I do liked the continuity provided by Ace and Razor targeting Giselle's shoulder, and liked the little touch of Dragon trying to rush in but getting stopped by Tickles.
The first Razor/T.K. interaction was so well written, loved the usage of "hisses" as I could totally imagine how Razor said what he said lol. "The tag champion waltzes across the ropes with such grace a ballerina would blush", lmao. Loved that line, and loved that it was written to describe a detail as simple as Ace walking across the rope, but it added so much life to it. Reading through the Crossface spot the match is beginning to read much easier, and your writing is beginning to hit a stride, which is great. The friendly fire into hot tag spot was well-executed, but my only complaint is I feel it perhaps came a little too early? I personally would've liked to see Giselle getting abused some more before he finally made the tag.
Again, great timing with how you wrote Caleb breaking up the pin. It's very realistic and makes imagining the match very easy as it is written exactly how it would happen in real life, so kudos. I liked the double team move, and one small but important detail I appreciated is how you didn't write Ace and Caleb doing any real double team moves. Considering their team is newly formed and they're both primarily known as singles wrestlers, it made a lot of sense. Loved "but the damage to his uncrowned noggin leads him to begin crawling towards his partner", very clever. The match flows very nicely onwards. Good pacing, seamless writing.
Popped for the double Suicide Dive spot, and I loved that T.K. cut the away ahead of Razor before he did anything. Into the final paragraph now, the failed Razor distraction was written extremely well, and no we're getting ready for the big spot. The finish was good, it made sense, but I thought it came off way too rushed. I thought there should've been more build-up to the big Psycho Driver, instead of just dropping Ace on his head.
Closing thoughts: Really enjoyable read. I thought after a rough first couple of paragraphs, you really hit your stride and you got going. I thought the writing style itself was excellent, and it made the match flow really well. The pacing was decent, if a tad fast-paced, but it was still good. My biggest praise to give to this match is that the tag mechanics were perfectly executed. The distractions, the pin breaks, the double team spots, everything made sense and read and felt just how a real match would feel, and it made for a great reading experience. My biggest complaint, aside from the rushed finish, is I feel like Ace and Caleb didn't get enough offense in the match. This is dating back to how the hot tag was made a bit too early in my opinion, but also I feel like Black Dragon was made to look exceptionally strong, and for two legendary singles competitors like Ace and Caleb, I felt they didn't get enough offense in the one-on-one portions of the match.
This was a great showing from all three of you. I thought both matches were extremely well written, with Ruro's post having just a bit more poise about it, while the Hierarchy, I think, edged the spot description and their post read more smoothly. I thought Ruro had much better structure and played around the tag mechanics better, his match read more realistically and felt more like a real TV match, while I thought Ace and Caleb had the better character work and their overall action was better, from a spot-to-spot standpoint and how evened-out the offense was. Regarding the finish, I think the Hierarchy nailed theirs with the out-of-nowhere Apotheosis after the blind tag, while Ruro's unfortunately fell short in comparison, and I think that swings the verdict of the match towards The Hierarchy. Great match, and a job well done from all involved.
Your winner is ... THE HIERARCHY!
king acid (Joey Miles vs. Jayden Crosse)
Abdel (The Hierarchy vs. The Guys With Masks)
The Tag Team Championships are defended via the freebird rule, when Caleb Spires teams up with new stablemate Ace Acid to take on The Guys With Masks.
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