Punchline

Matches that occurred on our 2015 Pathway to Destiny Pay Per View!
Legendary
XWA Hall of Famer
XWA Hall of Famer
Posts: 705
Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2011 3:23 pm

Punchline

Postby Legendary » Fri Mar 06, 2015 3:01 am

Hana Ramirez is standing off to the side of Gorilla, waiting for someone either coming from or going to the ring. When Shaw passed her without so much as a glance, Hana was left standing there for a few minutes. Finally, emerging from the curtain comes Derrick Jedi; a sullen Derrick Jedi who just got took back to high school where a ripped, arrogant jag off took every cheap shot there was. Despite his accomplishments and accolades, most write him off because of his appearance. The Hall of Famer stands next to Hana.

Hana: I'm here with Derrick Jedi who just announced that he was going to challenge the XWA World Heavyweight Champion, Jericho Shaw to a title match after a near two-year hiatus. Now Derrick, Jericho had some pretty low things to say to and about you and left before you could respond. Is there anything you would like to say to Jericho?

Jedi: (gesturing towards the microphone) Would you mind?

Hana relinquishes the mic and on cue the black curtain in the back is pulled to the side, revealing a red brick wall and Jedi's soon-to-be brother-in-law and former XWA Genesis Champion, Kenny "Taylor" Shaw (no relation), takes a seat in front of a snare drum and high-hat cymbal. Hana rolls her eyes and moves out of the way.

Jedi: XWA, it's good to be here, good to be here. How many of you people like Jericho Shaw?

The audience reaction is identical to what it was earlier; hostile at the mention of his name.

Jedi: Oh come on, he's not that bad. Just ask his wife. I heard that he always lets her be on top: because he can only fuck up!

ba-dum-tish!

Jedi: I kid, I kid. But Jericho sure did tell a lot of fat jokes out there. Didn't he? I mean I didn't tell any Canadian jokes; because that would be too easy!

ba-dum-tish!

Jedi: I do love Canada, though. It's a wonderful country. What does Canadian beer and a urine sample have in common? The taste!

ba-dum-tish!

Jedi: But Canada is notable for some great innovations. Did you know that copper wire was invented in Canada? It's true, two Canadians were fighting over a penny!

ba-dum-tish!

Jedi: I kid because I care. Me and Jericho do go a long way back. One time we were swimming in Lake Michigan. This is a true story, and Jericho told me "Man, this water is cold." and I said "Yeah, it's deep too!"

ba-dum-tish!

Jedi: When we were out there, Jericho said that I have big-balls but I've probably never seen them. Lucky for me his momma can tell me all about 'em during breakfast!

ba-dum-tish!

Jedi: She's a wonderful woman, though. I mean it. She raised a fine lad. Smart too. True story, Jericho Shaw's mother once bought tickets to XBox Live.

ba-dum-tish!

Jedi: I kid, I adore Doris. Did you know she once told me the story of when Jericho was born? This is a true story. She actually gave birth to him on the highway. This is a true story. And when I asked her what happened she said "well, that's where accidents happen."

ba-dum-tish!

Jedi: But enough about Mrs. Shaw, who really is a wonderful woman. There's another lady in Jericho's life and she is a treasure. Jericho, I mean it, your wife is something special. She's smart, she's beautiful, and that body. I hear she's quite the minx as well. This is a true story. One time Jericho told me that his wife asked him to give her ten-inches and make it hurt. So Jericho fucked her five times and gave her The Kingslayer!

ba-dum-tish!

Jedi: He's a good sport, I mean that sincerely. Y'know, Jericho earned his spot. He's done his homework. He brought up that match with Alex Sean in Japan. Y'know, that wasn't the first or last time Jericho and I went to Japan. In fact, one time when we went to Japan we went to a strip club and saw a pregnant stripper. This is a true story. And we knew she was pregnant because during the show she put a Rubik's Cube "you know where" and it came out solved.

ba-dum-tish!

Jedi: It's a beautiful country, it really is. Back out there, Jericho talked up his Jag. And it's a fine automobile; let me tell you. Do you know the difference between a porcupine and Jericho Shaw's Jaguar? The porcupine's pricks are on the outside!

ba-dum-tish!

Jedi: But to be fair I might have said some things that weren't very nice. I called Jericho ugly and that's just not true. He's got movie star looks. It's just too bad that movie star is Jaws!

ba-dum-tish!

Jedi: Wow, what a great audience. And let's cut the bullshit. You want to take cheap shots? I've got a million more where those came from. You want to wrestle? I'll be honest, I've never been "great" at that mostly because my natural inclination strays far from groping guys. What I am pretty good at is throwing punches, throwing people, and using every ounce of my fat ass to crack fuckin' sternums. See Shaw, you're done. This whole thing is over. We're bored with the "Jericho Shaw experiment" because like the experiments on Mystery Science Theater, it went nowhere. Acting like a petulant child because despite all your fancy karate moves nobody gives a crap about. Give you an undefeated streak? Nobody cares! Win Lord of the Ring? Nobody cares! World Heavyweight Champion? Nobody cares and you knew that so you took all those other belts because nobody was paying attention to you because, seriously, your shit is fucking tired, son. And you're going to give me a "Kingslayer" to the back of my skull? I can live with that because I'll be giving you the "Bitch Layer" so hard it'll come out the back of yours, sunshine. And when I take that belt from you, I'll put my Legends streak on the line alright. I'll make up for missing last year because I'll defend that title, at Legends, against Dan Bennett. I'm gonna put it all on the line, bet the fuckin' farm, because friend he may be we have unfinished bid-niss. There's just one little detour I'm going to have to make; and that detour just so happens to take me right through Tijuana, Vietnam if you catch my drift. Shaw, it's over. You walked right into it; never were a bright boy, were you? Took the little bus? Small classroom? One of the kids in your class wear a helmet? It would explain the freaky retard strength. I take it you had a bunny once but Shaw it's going to take a lot more than unrestrained strength and a 3rd grade reading level to overcome someone who quite frankly wants to slap the living fuck out of you. Real talk, nigga; I'ma beat the fuck out of you. And when I beat you and I headline Legends and you go fuck yourself, then we'll see whose the fuckin' draw. Because last I checked I haven't been here in about dos años and I'm getting a world title shot, whereas you need to cling to that thing for every bit of relevancy you can get from it by association because, I meant it, once that belt is off of you; there goes your appeal. There goes your relevancy. You'll be lucky to open Legends in a battle royal. And Dan, I didn't forget about you; but first things first. And remember boys; tip your waitress.

Jedi holds the mic out and drops it ala Chris Rock before exiting stage left. Hana comes back and picks up the microphon, Kenny still sitting at the drums.

Hana: Didn't you used to work here?


CLOSED
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